To be blamed or blame someone else is a vicious circle that we find difficult to come out of. In this blog, we narrate one such incident of The vicious game of Victim or Victimizer .
Once upon a time, not very long time ago, I and my wife went to a seafood shop to buy some fishes. Since It was during the lock down ,we were wearing our masks and kept our distances from other people. People were rushing into the shop as the timing was reduced .We stood in a queue and was patiently waiting for our turn. It so happened a man rushed into the shop ,broke the queue and started to place his order. He ignored all the persons in the queue and kept on demanding the salesperson to faster his delivery.
We got agitated and my wife started boldly questioning the man of his senselessness. He answered that he is a medical shop owner and wanted to open it sooner. That was his urgency and felt that his is more important than others. In this social interaction, we filled the role of victim and the person as victimizer. Our perspective was that the queue is an order and we followed it but a perpetrator broke it.
The vicious game of Victim or Victimizer .
In life there are other situations where you feel like you are the victimizer .Psychologist call this victim-victimizer mentality. On given any social circumstance involving one or many person, the feeling of victim and victimizer always come into existence. You either feel the victim or the victimizer. Try this little exercise of recounting your all past social interactions and write down the exact feeling you felt during those times. Personally I felt the roles of victim and victimizer was mixed up many of my past experiences too.
Getting angry at your parents, spouse, your son/daughter, friends, colleagues and strangers in road. You feel you are the victimizer who hurts other people especially your loved ones. Losing your promotion makes you feel victim to office politics. We feel victims of social injustice, political agenda, family betrayals, friends ignoring your call and our own habits.
To come out of this vicious mental cycle of victim and victimizer , we have find the causes, understanding the effects, recognize the past and present mental state ,build a steady confident mindset to counter the dark mentality and break the cycle of victim & victimizer.
Causes of feeling a Victim:
People’s inferiority complex make them feel they are unworthy of anything good. This complexity starts to develop at a young age because of opinions of other people including their family members, teachers and so called friends. People with low self esteem and low confidence level always feel that the fault is on them whatever happens. Some people believe they deserves the misery because it is god’s or some higher power’s wish. They believe they don’t have any control at all with their life and accept whatever life throws at them.
People with superiority complex also tend to fall victim to this cycle .Because of their inherent and developed superior feelings, they too are vulnerable at handling disappointments and failures. Their belief of god’s chosen ones literally screws their mindset and they tend to remain at edges all the time. They define themselves with their religion, caste, colour, status in society, wealth and languages. These are just external attributes but it does not define a person completely.
One of the most common effects of this mentality is a continuous mental state of misery. The habit of choosing negativity in every social interactions. The mindset to find darkness in every soul that run through them. People unknowing enjoy the state of depression and unaware that their mind is messing their life along with their loved ones. They forget the ability to make decisions on their own and blame others decision after following it. The effects can be mild and can be severe too.
How to recognize and break the mentality & cycle:
Recognizing the victim mentality & cycle depends on that person’s mental state and beliefs. A person’s mental state can be compared to steady flowing stream of water, a calm pond and ferocious flood. Concentrating on our thoughts and trying to get hold of it is more like fishing .Fishing needs patience and timing. Think of your thoughts as fish and your mental state as the state of water. If the water is in turbulence ,fishes too get disturbed. You can’t force the fish to remain calm when the water is in chaos.
“A disturbed mind never finds peace even in the calmest place of all. A calmed mind finds peace in any disturbed place .”
Having a calm mind is not end but a continuous process of calming your agitated and disturbed mind. As I said meditation is one way to calm the mind and focus on our thoughts. Meditation is not only about sitting in a posture and concentrating on our breath but also doing simple acts with your complete presence both physically and mentally. The simple acts can be anything from arranging your bed, tidying your room, cleaning yourself, doing dishes, reading, writing and so on.
After recognizing your thoughts, just like scientist ,classify it into two categories: Constructive and destructive thoughts. You get options when your thoughts are grouped else will choose between the two. Use strong character as foundation and the constructive thoughts as bricks to build your confidence. Be clear that you have the power to build your life against all odds and challenges. You maybe victim of social injustices, family betrayals, false friends, unfaithful partners, backstabbing coworkers, psychotic bosses, corrupt politicians, bribed bureaucrats, unjust religious doctrines, maniacal dictators and merciless nature but staying victim is not an option. Come out of your victim mentality and live life to the fullest.
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